After a select group of students met with Yale Corporation members earlier this month, we decided to ask Salovey’s minions what they really do. Here’s what they said:

Joshua Bekenstein
bekenstein

“What do you mean?”

Jeffrey Lawrence Bewkes

bewkes

“We are simply the governing board of the University. That’s all there is to it.”

Maureen C. Chiquet

chiquet

“I don’t understand the question.”

Peter B. Dervan

dervan

“…”

Donna Lee Dubinsky

dubinsky

“Huh?”

Charles Waterhouse Goodyear IV

goodyear

“What do we really do? Nothing special; a little occultism here, a little new world order stuff there, a couple of assassinations once in a blue moon. Pretty standard.”

Catharine Bond Hill

hill

“We do all sorts of things: professor appointments, policy deliberations, the occasional orgy, initiatives to increase faculty diversity…”

Paul Lewis Joskow

joskow

“What do you mean, ‘really’?”

William Earl Kennard

kennard

“It’s best that you not ask these questions.”

Gina Marie Raimondo

raimondo

“What?”

Emmett John Rice, Jr.

rice

“I honestly have no clue.”

Eve Hart Rice

rice

“We are a normal corporate board in every regard. Well, we do sometimes throw these parties featuring the most amazing ice sculptures. I mean, these things are fuckin’ masterpieces that make Michelangelo’s David look like a gray turd shat out by someone with colon cancer. This is off the record, but the only reason we require students on financial aid to work is so that we can commission these ridiculously elaborate ice sculptures. Then we make them watch as their handiwork melts over the course of several hours. Again, this is off the record.”

Kevin Patrick Ryan

ryan

*chuckles sinisterly*

Peter Salovey

salovey

“Your mom! Haha, bazinga!”

Annette Thomas

thomas

“Look, I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but we’ve actually planned out when and how every current Yale student will die. Like, I could pull up your file right now and describe to you the exact circumstances under which you shall draw your last breath.”

Douglas Alexander Warner III

warner

“Peter Salovey, in the Morse Dining Hall, with a candlestick.”

Lei Zhang

zhang

“Fuck off.”

—M. Greene

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