1. Death threats from local gourd kingpin
2. You only have one Yelp review: “Though the squash itself was filling, it left me with a spiritual emptiness”
3. Squash worms
4. You were sued by Led Zeppelin because your jingle, “The Butternut Boogie,” sounded just like “Stairway to Heaven”
5. The squash worms have become sentient, opened a rival roadside squash stand, and run you out of business
6. Eggplants suddenly became trendy
7. You often reminisce about your childhood days in Pa’s field. It wasn’t much, but it was home, and to you, that’s all that mattered. You remember picking your first squash. It was heavier than you expected. Your mother’s words echoed in your mind: Follow your dreams, and your dreams will follow you. You didn’t know quite what she meant, but you found intrigue in the mystery. A single tear rolls down your cheek. How poetic. How sublime. One day you will cram as many squashes as possible down your pants and head for Mexico. Today is not that day.
8. No place on squash stand to hang your Harvard diploma
—D. Schifrin
