Make subtle suggestions about ending the relationship

Talk about all of the “hot, sexy, and emotionally available” people you met on your first day here. Complain about your new college problems by saying things like, “My new best friend lives one floor above me. I don’t know how our friendship will survive, considering the distance.”

Begin by provoking irrational fights

Pick on your soon-to-be-former significant other for liking Swiss cheese more than Gruyere. Accuse them of cheating on you with their celebrity crush. Respond to absolutely anything they say with “Didgeridoo.”

End it, but avoid explaining the real reason why you’re ending it

It’s easy to say “I don’t want to be in a long-distance relationship.” But what if they decide to move cross-country to be with you? To be safe, just say “I want to break up.” If they ask why, tell them you are entering the witness protection program because you are being targeted by criminals and that you have already told them too much.

Add a plot twist

Plot twists make everything more interesting and are also a good distraction from the horrifying realities of life. During the breakup, make a shocking claim to keep their mind off their great sorrow. Good examples include “I kidnapped your dog!” or “I used your credit card to buy a 14-karat gold statue of Barry from Bee Movie!”

Send a follow-up essay 24 hours after the breakup

Be sure to cite any outside sources you used and explain your reactions to the breakup. This is best done in MLA format. Use a varied vocabulary and complex sentence structure so that you are remembered fondly as a very eloquent writer, rather than a heartbreaker.

Don’t forget to remember the good times

Regardless of how strictly you follow my expert advice, remember that most relationships come with great memories. Like the time you adopted a highway together, or the day they got their braces stuck in your braces and your dad had to drive you to the emergency room for an extraction procedure (and while you were waiting in the lobby, you’re pretty sure they told you they loved you, but it was hard to hear what they said because of the whole “their braces being stuck in your braces” thing).

Immediately replace your significant other with a Yale student

Or just go to Woads. Whatever works.

– N. Eskow