2400: You studied too hard.
2390: You studied exactly the right amount. 2380: You used the word “firstly” in your essay. Graders hate that shit.
2370: It is conceivable that you did not get a perfect score on any section. Most people here will not be friends with you, just in case this happens to be true.

2360: The proctor went crazy and attacked you with a hammer in the middle of the exam. In the course of defending yourself, you left a couple of Critical Reading questions blank. Most people here will forgive you.

2130: Nice to meet you, Mr. Davenport! Your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- grandfather was a fine man. I’m sure you’ll have a terrific time at Yale.

-A. Gertler