We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness; that the pregame for the Boston Tea Party was the craziest party this continent has yet to see, and that Ben Franklin especially killed it, having the longest keg stand anyone has ever witnessed; that George Washington grows the dankest cannabis on this side of the Atlantic, especially compared to that ditch-weed the New Jersey delegation grows by the outhouses; that this patch of skin on my arm looks kind of suspicious and I should get it checked out; and that Samuel Adams’s tavern burning down last year was an obvious attempt at insurance fraud.

—J. Lancione