It’s a Friday night, but you and your gal pals have I nowhere to go. Not to worry! Just follow this guide  to hosting your very own drunken orgy, and the entire countryside will be your party.

  1. Stock up on wine. It’s not a real Bacchanal if you can remember it the next day.
  2. The best Bacchanals are hosted in the mountains, so you can be close to nature, and far away from gross ex-boyfriends, like Brad.
  3. Make sure you tell your guests to sharpen their teeth for gnawing on the flesh of whole animals.
  4. Douse yourself with fragrant perfume. We suggest the blood of mountain lions with a hint of petunia.
  5. Make this party more exclusive than the feast of Trimalchio. Uninvited guests should be punished with dismemberment. (That includes you, Brad.)
  6. Reassure your guests that you really don’t need help with the food. No need to arrange a potluck when you can just tear apart wild goats.
  7. Keep the alcohol flowing during the party! If your head says ten shots but your heart says it’s all one shot, definitely go with that.
  8. Be comfortable with your sexuality. It’s not gay if it happens at a Bacchanal – and if it is, that’s okay too. Boys who can’t remember your birthday or handle raw meat aren’t worth it anyway.
  9. No men allowed. See tip number 6.

—S. Lee