It’s a Friday night, but you and your gal pals have I nowhere to go. Not to worry! Just follow this guide to hosting your very own drunken orgy, and the entire countryside will be your party.
- Stock up on wine. It’s not a real Bacchanal if you can remember it the next day.
- The best Bacchanals are hosted in the mountains, so you can be close to nature, and far away from gross ex-boyfriends, like Brad.
- Make sure you tell your guests to sharpen their teeth for gnawing on the flesh of whole animals.
- Douse yourself with fragrant perfume. We suggest the blood of mountain lions with a hint of petunia.
- Make this party more exclusive than the feast of Trimalchio. Uninvited guests should be punished with dismemberment. (That includes you, Brad.)
- Reassure your guests that you really don’t need help with the food. No need to arrange a potluck when you can just tear apart wild goats.
- Keep the alcohol flowing during the party! If your head says ten shots but your heart says it’s all one shot, definitely go with that.
- Be comfortable with your sexuality. It’s not gay if it happens at a Bacchanal – and if it is, that’s okay too. Boys who can’t remember your birthday or handle raw meat aren’t worth it anyway.
- No men allowed. See tip number 6.
—S. Lee
