1. It’s really cliquey.

2. You get this weird vibe from Satan if you joke about him being in that South Park movie.

3. The biting black flies out by the Lake of Everlasting Fire.t

insect repellent wipes bite Thirty Things I Hate About Hell

4. Mother Theresa will not stop bitching about how her paperwork got messed up. Cry me a river.

5. No ESPN. C’mon! That’s part of basic cable!

6. The snotty emails you get from your friends in Heaven. They always talk about how great it is, then feel bad and say something like, “Like everywhere, it’s not perfect.”

Jesus Heaven 09 300x225 Thirty Things I Hate About Hell

7. The Salisbury Steak.

8. The rumor is, Nasdaq is considering delisting our shares (HLL, dump ‘em if you got ‘em).  This after, “If you come here instead of Purgatory, I’ll give you stock options.” Boy, he really is the Lord of Lies.

9. All the models are soooo dumb.

10. It’s impossible to get a cab. Well, not impossible, but you have to wait forever, especially when it’s raining.

hail cab 300x162 Thirty Things I Hate About Hell

11. Disembowelment. The old saying is wrong—it hurts every time.

12. It seems mathematically impossible, but I’ve gotten Jeffrey Dahmer as my Secret Santa for three straight years.

13. SAT Thursdays.

14. All the bragging. Guys, it’s Hell—if you were really all that, you wouldn’t be here.

15. No pets, can you believe it? Satan says he’s allergic, but that’s bull. I think he does it just to torment us.

16. The architecture. They tore down all those beautiful medieval buildings! They redid Circles Five through Nine in the early Seventies, and now they look like some crummy community college.

ugly USSR building 300x225 Thirty Things I Hate About Hell

17. The mail service is the worst. I haven’t gotten a magazine with an unripped cover in 500 years.

18. All the movies are second-run, so you hear the endings from the new arrivals before you can see it.

19. The demons all have this “unholier-than-thou” attitude. Jerks.

20. Everybody’s plastic surgery is voided when they get here. It gets ugly; people feel gypped.

21. All the tourists looking for Dante. He’s not HERE, you idiots!

22. Everybody underdresses for everything. Would it kill you to wear something besides a T-shirt and cut offs, once in a while?

23. My obnoxious 666 roommates. Wash a dish once in an eternity, would you? I’m not your mother—she’s over in the women’s dorm.

dirty dishes Thirty Things I Hate About Hell

24. Everybody’s so religious. That boat’s left the dock, folks. “What would Jesus do?” He’d get the Hell out of here, that’s what!

25. Hitler. You’re not funny, so stop trying.

26. The variable sales tax. You can never tell what anything’s going to cost, so you never have enough money when you get to the cashier. I haven’t been able to buy anything for years.

Toblerone 300x204 Thirty Things I Hate About Hell

27. Listening to everyone argue, “Which is worse, the liquid gold enemas or the brain-eating worms?” Can we just agree they both suck, and leave it at that?

28. Every year the Devil rereads Paradise Lost and pulls the ol’ “drink-and-dial.”

29. Whenever the Incendio-Demons set Pol Pot on fire, somebody always yells,  “Hey, do you smell Pot?” It was funny the first 20,000 times, guys.

30. My bunkmate Sartre keeps mumbling “I was so right. I was so, so right.”

—M. Gerber & J. Schwartz