Prospective student Keegan Dandurand drowned Tuesday evening after succumbing to undertow from the Women’s Table water reuptake system, Yale Chief of Police Ronnell A. Higgins confirmed.
According to sources, Dandurand’s fatal dinner plans were attributed to a gap in understanding following an early morning campus tour.
“We didn’t even want to be here. Mom dragged us along to schmooze admissions counselors and touch the foot,” his younger brother Chandler Dandurand said. “He was listening to podcasts when the guide did that whole spiel on the table. No way he was listening.”
According to Dandurand, Dandurand told Dandurand he was planning on dining at the sculpture that night in order to fraternize with female undergraduates.
“He’s thought it was a group-specific thing, you know?” Dandurand said. “Like the kid’s table, but with chicks.”
Dandurand confessed that he encouraged his brother to eat at the Women’s Table without any notion of the potential risk involved.
“I just wanted him out of the hotel room, honestly,” he said.
Several bystanders witnessed the incident, though none offered assistance until the situation had gotten out of control.
Randy Lockett, TD (’15) commented that he “just thought it was ‘feminist performance art’ or whatever.”
The Yale Police Department assured the community that, thankfully, no females were present to witness the tragic incident.
“Women are just so delicate and emotional, you know?” stated a press release from the Yale Police Department. “And they have such soft hands.”
Dandurand is survived by his mother, Jaclyn Dandurand, his father, Kevin Dandurand, his younger brother, Chandler Dandurand, who now has a killer sob-story for his college admissions essay.
-A. Mansfield
