You’ve seen him at the Branford dining hall, scarfing down a nutella-and-banana poppyseed mini-bagel. He’s the hunky dude scrolling through his newsfeed in your biology lecture. The hair. The bod. The seemingly wonderful relationship with his mother (not like we’ve hacked into his phone and pored over his iMessage threads for hours, or anything..)
He used to play water polo. He’s a card-carrying member of the United States Chess Federation, he’s a social media intern for Yale’s Asian American Cultural Center, and he has a frisky cocker spaniel named Lucy. But that’s not all.
Back in high school, he was even an Eagle Scout. *smolder*
So what is it about Zachary Hamsparks that’s fueling this turbocharged two-stroke diesel engine of studliness? It may be the pheromones; it may be the civic involvement; it may be his impeccably understated, ironically genuine normcore wardrobe.
On any given day, Hamsparks can be found in the Durfee’s line sporting his trademark shabby-chic ensemble: ripped American Eagle Original Bootcut™ jeans, leather flip flops, and one of his sundry crewneck tees.
When asked to comment on his sartorial commitment, Hamsparks stated “I dunno. My wardrobe almost exclusively consists of free t-shirts I’ve gotten from intramurals, 5ks or high school math tournaments. I just have so many.”
An athlete and a brain, ladies. He’s single.
But Branford’s favorite fashion maven may be on the brink of a new era. Upon learning that The Record had selected him as one of Yale’s 50 Best Personalities, Hamsparks reported he initially felt an overwhelming sense of bafflement and discomfort.
“I mean, I’ve only had one girlfriend ever, and that was sophomore year of high school. I just never thought I was the ‘type’ that got picked for this sort of thing.”
When asked to what he owes his success, Hamsparks replied “You said people liked my t-shirts? So…that.”
This revelation comes at a crucial time for Hamsparks. Leaving his scoopneck roots behind, he was actually considering switching to v-necks.
“They were on sale at Target last week and I kind of wanted a change. Also, like, my chest hair is finally starting to come in? I mean, if you’ve got it, flaunt it, right?”
Agreed.
But what will this style evolution mean for Hamsparks? Will his following dwindle as low as his plunging neckline? Only time will tell.
For now, let’s continue to ogle this buttoned-up cutie pie from afar. And keep our fingers crossed for the plunging neckline.
-A. Mansfield
