-You’re female
-You’re white
-You live in a large, pulsating city but somehow always
find yourself in abandoned alleyways in the middle
of the night
-You suffer from a rare condition in which you can’t
recognize people if any part of their face is concealed
-You’re a strong career woman who isn’t afraid to stand
up to murderous villains
-You never actually fight back against these murderous villains
-You inexplicably always need to be saved from
murderous villains
-You’re really good at dangling from high places and not
falling until someone is there to catch you
-You find yourself in near-death situations on an almost
daily basis
-You inexplicably never die in these near-death situations
-A lot of your life experiences can be modified with the
adverb “inexplicably”
-You have a thing for guys in tights
-You’re the perfect size for being carried
-You have preternatural lung capacity and vocal
technique, allowing for screams of “HELP” at
the perfect register, decibel, and length for optimal
-You complain to your psychologist that you often feel like
a supporting character in your own life
-Michael Bay was attracted to you in casting

—J. Young