Sexportation — Are you being sexiled? Do you have
three essays and eight problem sets due tomorrow?
Teleport your roommate and his/her partner right
into the waiting arms of your college dean.

Douche Mute — Need a section asshole to shut up?
Whisper the word “heteronormativity” to stop them
right in their tracks.

Gate-bending — Ever struggled to open a gate on
campus? Struggle no more! With one flick of the
wrist, you can bust through three tons of metal faster
than you can say “Wanda Marichal Gentry”!

Tomb Raider — Didn’t get tapped for Skull and
Bones? Step right in front of the tomb doors and
scream “TRADITION” to steal alllllll the secrets
of white privilege.

Yaledar — One in four, maybe more? With Yaledar, no
guessing is needed when vetting out incompatible
mating partners.

Crimson Crow — Hate Harvard? Express your loathing
by uncontrollably yelling “FUCK HARVARD”
during lecture.

Infinity Swipe — Not hungry? Stock up on expired
condoms from Durfee’s with an unlimited number of
lunch swipes.

Time Turner — Have an a cappella performance,
spoken word show, and championship basketball
game all on the same night? Split yourself into
several smaller, identical versions of yourself and
you’ll never miss anything.

Tourist Trap — Want tourists to stop taking pictures
of your common room? Create a trap door beneath
their feet and watch them and their cameras tumble
to their doom. Wait… how’d they get in your room
in the first place?

Harkmute —Trying to study? Hate bells? Not anymore.
Mute them with the simple sacrifice of a member of
the Guild of Carillonneurs.

—A. Zhang