Ah, hello there. I’m Dr. Mendelson. What seems to
be the problem? Nancy here tells me you’re having
some difficulty with the paperwork.
Your name? Yes, just print your name in this space
right here. No, I don’t have any ink for your quill (I do
hope you’ve had your avian flu vaccine, sir), but we have
several flavors of Bic available for your choosing.
Please leave your pet snake outside, sir.
Quite an interesting name you have there—Scandi-
navian, is it? I spent a week there with my wife last year
for my 47th birthday. Beautiful place. Great seafood.
Your last name? I’m sorry, I don’t quite under-
stand you… Do you have a form of ID, then?
Excuse me, it says “Tom Riddle” on your driver’s license.
Your email address? Sorry, is “mudblood” one word?
Alright, so ihatemudbloodslolxd@hotmail.com? Ex-
cellent, thanks.
Any allergies you haven’t listed previously? Nancy
mentioned that you said something about an allergy to
hair growth medications? Alright—by the way, if you
don’t mind me saying, I wouldn’t worry about it. The
bald look totally suits you.
Right, shaved, of course. Shaved. My mistake, sir.
So, what can I do for you today?
Well, I have a catalog right here that displays our en-
tire warehouse selection of top-of-the-line nose prosthetics.
Were you thinking of something unobtrusive and reserved
or perhaps a more prominent addition to your visage?
Something intimidating and ominous, you say?
Hm… how about “the Hook”? It’s rather large and bent,
but a great way to tell your colleagues and acquaintances
that you mean business.
No? Well, take a look at “the Longnostrils.” Provides
quite the aptitude for smelling smells. Plus, we’re having
a sale! Buy two nostrils, get one free.
I’m sorry, sir, but what is a “galleon”?
I see. I have one more model to offer you, Mr. de
Mort. It’s our establishment’s prized possession, our se-
cret trump card, our rhinoplastic perfection. It’s called…
…The Elder Schnoz.
That’ll be eight thousand dollars, plus an additional
ten thousand for the operation, and three thousand for
shipping and handling.
Sir? Sir, please keep your pet—SIR? PLEASE
CONTROL YOUR PET, SIR. SIR? YOUR HISS-
ING IS SCARING THE OTHER PATIENTS, SIR.
SECURITY? SECURITY, PLEASE ESCORT
THE— OH MY LORD.
EXCUSE ME, THERE’S BEEN A MIS-
TAKE, SIR. I, uh, I read the bill wrong, all of
that is what we pay—it’s only one thousand—
—I MEAN FREE, SIR, IT’S COMPLETELY
FREE ON YOUR END. SHALL WE FREELY
ARRANGE A FREE APPOINTMENT FOR
YOUR COMPLETELY FREE OPERATION,
FREE OF CHARGE? PLEASE STOP POINT-
ING THAT CHOPSTICK AT ME, SIR.
Al-alright, have a good day, sir.
Looks like we need to get the stains out of the carpeting
again this week.
Someone needs some anger management classes.
And a tanning salon.
—J. Shi
