Full text:
John Roberts
(aka Batman): Much like Batman, the man at the helm of
America’s Justice League doesn’t have any real superpowers, but
he utilizes all the resources that a rich white guy has at his disposal.
Rumor has it that ol’ Johnny did some serious campaigning for
Bush during Bush v. Gore , his most famous scheme, which may
have included all or none of the following: purchasing eight Rolex
Submariners that were mysteriously left on the bench after opening
arguments; a law clerk covertly placing thumb tacks on each
justices’ chair; and defacing Al Gore posters with crudely drawn
phalli and scattering them throughout the cafeteria. Power move,
John. That’s definitely a power move.
Catch Phrase: “Brooks Brothers, assemble!”
Anthony Kennedy
(aka Superman):
That’s right. The real power – the super strength, x-ray vision, flight,
rock-hard abs – it all sits quietly in unassuming Justice Anthony
Kennedy. Consistently the swing vote on cases, Kennedy essentially
decides what the highest court in the land has to say on some of the
country’s most important legal issues. And he knows it, too. Reports
suggest that Justice Scalia washed Kennedy’s car for months prior to
the Citizens United decision, and Roberts, Harvard-man that he is,
had a strip-o-gram sent to Kennedy’s home every day for a week.
Catch Phrase: “Quid pro quo, Clarice.”
Stephen Breyer
(aka Martian Manhunter): Similar to his Martian brethren,
Steve has a unique knack for being totally insignificant.
Catch Phrase: “Yet another night spent naked, teary-eyed,
and alone.”
Sonia Sotomayor
(aka Wonder Woman): Justice Sotomayor’s life story is pretty
impressive. Born into low-income tenement housing in the Bronx,
she used her industriousness to propel herself to top schools, jobs,
and now ultimately a position to change the fate of the country.
That’s pretty wonderful, right? Also, she flies an invisible plane.
Catch Phrase: “I fly an invisible plane.”
Elena Kagan
(aka Hawkgirl…yes that’s a real superhero): Justice Kagan’s
life story is pretty impressive. Born into low-income tenement
housing in the Bronx, she used her industriousness….wait, that’s not
right. Oh, actually, Kagan is quite the opposite: Upper West Side,
father’s an attorney, Princeton, Oxford, Harvard, etc. At least we’ve
covered all of our bases. She’s probably pretty intense and uptight,
right? Hawkgirl it is…
Catch Phrase: “I may be a rookie on the court, but I am
by far the most judgmental.”
Samuel Alito
(aka Martian Womanhunter): Perhaps the second most
insignificant member of the court, Sammy is definitely one of the
justices often forgotten on the “Name the Justices” Sporcle quiz.
That said, he’s probably a stud. After all, we found out last year
that the NSA had tapped his phones….the ladies like bad boys,
right?
Catch Phrase: “Guess what I’m wearing under this
shapeless robe.”
Antonin Scalia
(aka Green Lantern): The Green Lantern received his bizarre
powers from a dying alien, who swore him to fight evil. Likewise,
Justice Scalia received his legal education from a dying alien, who
swore him to read every text literally. Scalia’s intergalactic duty
has actually become a bit of a problem at the courthouse, as his
assistant has oft complained of his stubborn refusal to enter the
judges’ conference room until someone allows him to, on account of
the “RESTRICTED ACCESS” sign on the door that he reads literally
every time.
Clarence Thomas
(aka Flash): Want to hear Justice Thomas say something? Want
to hear him say it again? Quick, right? Almost as if he didn’t say
a word. He’s the only Justice that didn’t get the memo about the
“Supreme Court Quiet Game” coming to an end – and there’s no
way he’ll talk first. Ideologically attune to the opinions of Justice
Scalia, he distinguishes himself with his mute, yet indefatigable,
sexual harassment.
Catch Phrase: *Puts finger to lips
and stares intently.*
Ruth Ginsburg
(aka Batwoman): Justice Ginsburg is Batwoman. She’s like a bat.
Except old. Really old. She’s like an old Batwoman. Ok, she’s an old
bat.
Catch Phrase: *Croak*
Writing: A. Petrillo | Illustrations: D. Lee
