It’s taken all of my four years in college, but I have fi-
nally realized my true calling: I’m meant to be a super-
hero, using my incredible powers to patrol the world’s
cities from the air, enforcing the laws of justice wherever
the arm of the police cannot reach, restoring hope in the
goodness of man’s soul, protecting billions of people from
the forces of darkness.

Of course, I’m going to spend a couple of years as a
junior analyst at Goldman first, just to see how it goes.

I mean, when you get right down to it, it’s a pretty
reasonable decision – why not make some money before
I go off to directly save thousands of people from grue-
some, preventable deaths? And who knows – if the whole
superhero thing just doesn’t work out (the Goldman re-
cruiter tells me the prospects for upward mobility in that
industry are currently slim), at least I’ll have this as some-
thing I can fall back onto.

Also, the work is actually pretty interesting! Sure, it’s
hard to compare it to the mental and physical acumen
needed to fully understand and defeat a psychopathic ,
world-conquering villain with an army of minions, but did
you know that investment banking actually involves some
really interesting math? I mean, most of it is done by stan-
dardized software, but in theory it’s kind of complex (it’s
a good thing I took MATH 120, let me tell you!). You
also get to schmooze with cool, rich clients! My Goldman
interviewer told me about this one time that he closed a
deal with a Peruvian guy and they celebrated with real
Cuban cigars afterwards. Tons of girls come to their par-
ties, and no one even has to rescue them from dangling
precipices first. I bet I could impress a lot of people by
using my laser vision (which I’ll eventually, probably, use
to save African children from the unimaginable horrors
of conscription into the Lord’s Resistance Army) to light
my cigars!

Everyone who says that people going into finance are
“selling their souls” is just being ridiculous and overly
idealistic. Most research shows that the finance industry
actually has a fairly neutral impact on the world’s net util-
ity. So even if I could be doing the fulfilling work that
I’m uniquely qualified for and that will have an indis-
putably positive effect on humanity, I’m not technically
making things worse. Also, sometimes practicality must
come before idealism. Even when that ideal is to protect
the world from planet-devouring aliens and absurdly large
laser beams.

And let’s reiterate: I’m only doing this for 3-5 years
as a post-college gig. After that, I’m sure I’ll switch out
the suit for some colored spandex. What are the chances
any easily preventable atrocities will happen anywhere in
the world during that time period?

—I. Gonzalez