To the Yale Community,
I write to let you know that a robbery
occurred this evening in the area of High
and Crown Streets at approximately
10:40 PM. An undergraduate student
was walking alone when he was
approached by…oh, what’s the point?
No one reads this far anyway. Everyone
just looks at the location and then laughs
about another “Ronnell email.” I can
say anything I want here. Dick dick balls
dick wang schlong Peter Salovey sucks.
Why did my parents name me Ronnell
Higgins anyway? No one takes me
seriously. It’s a good thing I don’t have
to write out my middle name. No one
would pay any attention to “Ronnell
Agatha Higgins.” Whatever. Better
put something that’s not bullshit at the
end of this. The Yale Police also provide
services and information for victims of
crimes, which you may access by calling
—Ronnell A. Higgins,
Chief of Police