Michael Gerber & Jonathan Schwarz
1. It’s really cliquey.
2. You get this weird vibe from Satan if you joke about him being in that South Park movie.
3. The biting black flies out by the Lake of Everlasting Fire.
4. Mother Theresa will not stop bitching about how her paperwork got messed up. Cry me a river.
5. No ESPN. C’mon! That’s part of basic cable!
6. The snotty emails you get from your friends in Heaven. They always talk about how great it is, then feel bad and say something like, “Like everywhere, it’s not perfect.”
7. The Salisbury Steak.
8. The rumor is, Nasdaq is considering delisting our shares (HLL, dump ‘em if you got ‘em). This after, “If you come here instead of Purgatory, I’ll give you stock options.†Boy, he really is the Lord of Lies.
9. All the models are soooo dumb.
10. It’s impossible to get a cab. Well, not impossible, but you have to wait forever, especially when it’s raining.
11. Disembowelment. The old saying is wrong—it hurts every time.
12. It seems mathematically impossible, but I’ve gotten Jeffrey Dahmer as my Secret Santa for three straight years.
13. SAT Thursdays.
14. All the bragging. Guys, it’s Hell—if you were really all that, you wouldn’t be here.
15. No pets, can you believe it? Satan says he’s allergic, but that’s bull. I think he does it just to torment us.
16. The architecture. They tore down all those beautiful medieval buildings! They redid Circles Five through Nine in the early Seventies, and now they look like some crummy community college.
17. The mail service is the worst. I haven’t gotten a magazine with an unripped cover in 500 years.
