When this reporter was charged with finding the most personable marriage material, he knew just where to look: the decrepit, morally ambiguous, lint-covered 10th circle of hell: a place known only as the laundry room. In the depths of the laundry room he searched, finding only Hello Kitty undies, Harvard sweaters and Poopetrator paraphernalia, until he was blinded by the glory of a black sock with Patrick from Spongebob sewn on. He still can’t see and it’s honestly a horrible situation.
When the Record first met Patrick sock, he really knocked our socks off with his new threads and fresh design. However, his true strength of personality lies in his extracurricular involvement: just as he can stretch to fit any foot size, Patrick can easily stretch himself across several clubs. Ever since a disturbing experience as a sock puppet, Patrick sock has been very involved with the freshman consent workshops. He plays the viola about as well as anyone can play the viola, and participates in almost every intramural sport (except the water-based ones). “Whenever I see water I just get this feeling like I’m shrinking.” he told us. What a sensitive guy!
You may be wondering “How can one sock do so many things?” or “There can’t be enough hours in the day!” or “Can we have sexy time now?” If so, Patrick sock has some answers for you. “I don’t actually have a brain, you see,” he explained. “So I don’t have to take any classes. That’s why I have so much time. And I mean, if I had a brain I’d have to worry about all the deep questions, like how I exist. Or, which god is the one true god, Fruit of the Loom or Hanes or Allah? I bet I’d have to worry about that sort of thing if I had a brain.”
Fortunately for all the ladies looking to settle down and have some half-sock-half-human children, Patrick sock has not met “the one” just yet. “I’m not sure I understand your question.” Patrick sock told this reporter. “I don’t really believe in ‘the one,’ ‘soul mates,’ or anything like that. It’s not like somewhere out there there’s a partner sock for me, and we have always been destined to be together. That’s absurd.”
—A. Ringlein
