What to Know About the New Games Coming to the 1970 Olympics Sponsored by Frank Regionaldo’s Hot Dogs™

Dogvaulting

Contestants are given a regulation 16’4” semi-flaccid weiner, and are tasked with propelling themselves above a horizontal dog, beginning at a height of 6’; the current record is 6’4”. John “SteelDogging” Maroney recently cleared a height of 25’, before the rules committee discovered a steel rod inside his dog.
Doggolf

No sport highlights the versatile aspects of the hot dog quite like doggolf. Each competitor is allowed 14 clubs made of “all-natural meat”, and can shape each club with one regulation-sized meat tenderizer . The dog-ball is a Frank standard Regionaldo dog, and the hole is a standard Regionaldo bun. The sport is a true test of endurance, as par for each hole is 23 strokes, each course has at least 32 holes, and the average round takes 22 hours.
Dogfencing

Competitors are tasked with painting each with ketchup. Each wields a weiner-saber that has a dollop of ‘tchup smeared on the end. While the flimsy nature of the weapon poses a challenge to most, Jack “Aptly Named” Thundercock has a unique strategy of holding the dog between his legs to maximize his grip strength. He cruised through the qualifying competition without a drop of ketchup to be seen.
Hot dog fishingSelf-explanatory.
Dog Savoring

After years of barbaric “quantity” hot dog eating competitions, the Olympics have finally moved to judging by quality. . Competitors are given an hour to fully savor the experience of putting a weiner in their mouths. The panel of judges give contestants scores between 1-10 based on five categories: facial expression, sound effects, toppings selected, increase in heart rate, and bodily stimulation. While Bizzie “Big Mouth” Bonklin won in the qualifying competition, everyone loves hot dogs – it’s anyone’s game.