Dear Associated Schools,
After a meticulous investigation into the Chicagoland school system, the Department of Health expresses its sincerest concern for schoolchildren ages 6 – 12 because of the introduction of Frank’s Hot Dogs into school cafeterias last year. The investigation observed several concerning symptoms related to the consumption of Frank’s, including but not limited to:
- Pinkness of the skin
- Baldness
- Loss of heads, shoulders, knees, and toes
- Boiled meat smell
- Bready exoskeleton
- Deliciousness
- So…tasty…
- Mmmmmmmmmmmm…
This investigation strongly recommends that school systems send their tastiest yummiest most scrum-diddly-dumptious most symptomatic cases to Dept. HQ by Jeremy’s birthday this Friday. Also, please send mustard, ketchup, and some napkins. Thank you.
Sincerely, Illinois Dept. Of Health
– T. Harris
