Dear Associated Schools,

After a meticulous investigation into the Chicagoland school system, the Department of Health expresses its sincerest concern for schoolchildren ages 6 – 12 because of the introduction of Frank’s Hot Dogs into school cafeterias last year. The investigation observed several concerning symptoms related to the consumption of Frank’s, including but not limited to:

  1. Pinkness of the skin 
  2. Baldness
  3. Loss of heads, shoulders, knees, and toes  
  4. Boiled meat smell 
  5. Bready exoskeleton 
  6. Deliciousness
  7. So…tasty…
  8. Mmmmmmmmmmmm…

This investigation strongly recommends that school systems send their tastiest yummiest most scrum-diddly-dumptious most symptomatic cases to Dept. HQ by Jeremy’s birthday this Friday. Also, please send mustard, ketchup, and some napkins. Thank you.

Sincerely, Illinois Dept. Of Health

– T. Harris