1. Buy her chocolate flowers
  2. Take down the booby traps
  3. Collect acorns to make it through the rest of winter
  4. Plastic surgery (face, jawline, corrective leg)
  5. Buy those penis shrinkage pills you need
  6. Discard stale acorns
  7. Buy candles!  Enough to convince the arson squad the fire was an accident
  8. Wrap gifts with a really nice bow
  9. Wrap gifts with a really nice arrow
  10. Stuff a few acorns into your wide cheeks
  11. Burn her “sexy” underwear because it doesn’t look “comfortable”
  12. Delete photos of gathering acorns with ex-wife
  13. Fill the moat
  14. Let down the drawbridge
  15. Man the towers
  16. Bet all your acorns on 13 Red in acorn roulette
  17. Secretly organize and abet a coup
  18. Tell your wife your acorn-gathering isn’t an addiction
  19. Invite her most attractive female friend to pass the Bechdel test
  20. Apologize for sleeping with ex-wife again
  21. Go to Acorns Anonymous to kick your acorn addiction

-A. Cramer and J. Banks

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