In an effort to diversify their ranks, the US Military has added merit badges to their training program to motivate soldiers who cry when yelled at. Read on to learn about the honors you could be awarded as a cadet:

1. Who’s Your Daddy Badge: Now that you are pre-military, you are no longer on the bottom of the American social stratification, which is just one of many reasons to join the armed forces in exchange for your diversity. With your new elevated status, practice establishing your dominance. Go up to at least five people and let them know who’s their daddy. Extra points if you actually fathered them.

2. Rainbow Badge: The military is a profession for the mentally tough and physically strong, so our blossoming heroes must be well organized and prepared for the worst. Reverse engineer your camouflage skills to create a flashy rainbow uniform that can help the armed forces distinguish between you and the nation’s foes.

3. Service Badge: To memorialize the armed forces’ great diversity, especially since there is no guarantee that you will continue, we hope to take tons of photos of you and use them to recruit your replacements. In preparation, build a portfolio of army-inspired looks that SERVE.

4. Slay Badge: As future heroes, you must be ready to slay for this beautiful country. Start small and employ special tactics to neutralize at least three-yard animals. This badge can be earned through a hands-on assessment in which you will be given the opportunity to demonstrate your learning on a human. Slay, cadets!

-Anonymous

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