In order to recover, you must first get rejected. You could try walking onto the Men’s Basketball team, but there’s a chance an accident involving the team’s former point guard and seven extra-long hot dogs will land you the position of small forward. Here’s a more foolproof path to rejection and recovery:

Go to the Extracurricular Bazaar and talk to the friendliest club leaders you meet. Then, go to the acapella showcase to see a live rendition of Anna Kendrick’s “The Cup Song”. The song will remind you of the joy you felt watching Pitch Perfect with your middle-school best friends after the school dance. That was an important night for you. Jeremy asked you for your Snapchat. You’ll of course want to recreate the giddy feeling you had that whole night, and naturally, you’ll get roped into 13 acapella auditions on the way out. All 13 of those groups begging, crying, and screaming for your attention will thoroughly convince you that you may actually have a chance at being good at something for once. Maybe Jeremy eventually killed your Snapchat streak and left you on read, but this would be your chance to redeem yourself. This delusion will make the rejection phone calls, not emails, but phone calls from all 13 groups in one night, especially soul-crushing. Now that your enthusiasm has been sufficiently squashed, I can tell you: you’re in luck! I know just how you can recover… walk onto the Yale Record today!

–R. Howard

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