Frozen 3

Frozen 3, directed by that guy from your high school who was always a little too into the school musical, is coming to theaters near you in early 2024. Rejoin your favorite spunky Scandinavian sisters on the big screen (notably missing fan favorite Olaf, who could not withstand  increasing temperatures and thawed six months before production) as they face a brand new challenge. When rising ocean levels return their parent’s boat that “sunk” back to land, Elsa and Anna must deal with a reassessment of their characters. How will both girls face their identities shaped by chronic isolation and being orphaned at a young age? Will the young royals retain audience sympathy now that their sob story has been stolen from under them?

— Z. Halaban

Good Will Hunting If Will Were Good At Hunting

It’s the same Will Hunting you know and love, except instead of searching for his life’s purpose on the chalkboards of MIT, he’s searching for the perfect trophy buck to bring back to Southie. Robin Williams reprises his role as the inspirational mentor figure, guiding Will as he navigates the complicated woodlands of Cross Timbers, Texas. From unwanted mathematical potential to PETA’s most wanted, you won’t want to miss Matt Damon’s riveting performance as the new and improved Will Hunting in Good Will Hunting if Will Hunting Were Good at Hunting!

* In response to unanticipated backlash from animal rights activists, production has been greenlit for a more environmentally-conscious third installment of the franchise, Good Will Hunting if Will Hunting Were Good at Goodwill Hunting

– D. Lilly

Home Alone 7

Home Alone 7 is  coming to theaters in suburban towns with schools with a large Parent-Teachers Association presence. In this most recent installment of the Home Alone saga, watch Kevin McCallisterbecome an empty nester. In a shocking turn from Home Alone 6, Kevin suddenly stops bitching about his kids and starts texting them every damn moment little messages like, “What are you doing, sweetie?”and “How are your classes?” The film is expected to be a smash hit in the 40-60 range, but when college-aged audiences were asked for their thoughts, the dominant opinion was, “I don’t know mom, get a life.”

— Z. Halaban

God’s Not Dead 5: God Dies

In this stunning conclusion to the God’s Not Dead saga, God himself dies in a fiery car crash caused by a drunk driver. The film covers the dramatic events that follow, as upstanding small-town Christians mourn the loss and try to enforce God’s dying wishes to allocate all the world’s lands and wealth to them. Unfortunately, big-city lawyers are unwilling to give Christians what they were bequeathed in God’s “Last (Will &) Testament,” blasphemously claiming that God never even owned the Earth in the first place. Join a small band of true believers as they reassert the (former) power of God and try to find justice in an increasingly secular and Satanic world.

—B. Hollander-Bodie