After 27 installments of the series, I’ve officially had it with this Fast and Furious nonsense. Every time I cross the street I’m gripped with terror– not of a crash, but that some burly musclebounds hunks will try to teach me the meaning of family.  When will the public say that enough is enough?

There aren’t actually 27; that was a lie. But I bet you believed it. There have actually only been 15. 

Another lie. But there have been 10, and that’s the horrifying truth.

I don’t care for that bald Vin Diesel fellow or his even balder buddy Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Not one bit. They oughta stop stealing hard-earned cheddar from the pockets of honest Americans with their shameless money grabs. Nobody from the film industry has the nerve to stand up to the cast, claiming that the stars are “2 Fast, 2 Furious” to be stopped. Thankfully, I’m here to provide seven foolproof strategies to finally put us out of our misery.

  1. Kill Vin Diesel.
  2. Kill The Rock.
  3. Start a mass campaign of strongly-worded letter-writing to Universal Pictures.
  4. Enforce better fuel efficiency regulations in the F&F universe.
  5. Kill Paul Walker.
  6. Sow discontent between The Rock and Vin Diesel by making them compete in a bald-off.
  7. With gas prices what they are, they must be netting a loss already. Let’s see how Fast and Furious: Public Transportation does in theaters.”

—A. Cramer