The Chinese Communist Party (CCP) has ruled over the Chinese mainland with an iron fist since forcing the liberal-democratic Kuomintang army and its supporters into exile in Taiwan in 1949. We take the freedom to choose for granted in the United States, but the very word “freedom” has been replaced in Chairman Xi Newspeak with “ziyou.”

  1. Vanilla — The Chinese Communist Party killed all landlords and rich people in their rise to power. 
  2. Neapolitan — Under the “Socialism with Chinese Characteristics” program dominant in Chinese politics since the 1980s, complicated flavor palates are officially classified as “promoting antisocial tendencies and antigovernmental behavior” and commonly punished with three generations of familial imprisonment and social ostracism.
  3. Chocolate Chip — In Communist China, marrying delicious chocolate cream with subtle chocolate chip is seen as immoral and counterrevolutionary bourgeois decadence (homosexuality).
  4. Birthday Cake — Chinese people are not allowed to have birthdays. 
  5. Rocky Road — In Red China, they think everyone should be equal. They want roads that are paved to perfection! No stray pebble or uneven flooring is allowed in Chinese causeways. Every slab must be evenly filed, and they leave no room for tasty treats like Ben and Jerry’s Rocky Road Delight™ where there are larger, sublime chunks of chocolate and there are smaller, more delicate fluffy marshmallows.  
  6. Pistachio — When pressed on China’s total import ban on pistachio ice cream on the floor of the United Nations General Assembly, former Chinese premier Hu Jintao improbably claimed that Chinese people are allergic to pistachios.
  7. Cookies and Cream — Cookies and Cream is a scrumptious flavor which is the clear choice for any right-headed American voter. Chinese people are not allowed to choose.

-A. Burch and J. Mansfield