*grunt* — Hello

*two grunts* — Hello (excited)

*three grunts* — Fuck you (usually accompanied by flipping the bird)

*four grunts* — I love you (usually accompanied by a slap to the ass)

*low pitch grunt* — Hello (sexy)

*groan* — Oh baby

*guffaw* — That was amusing

*five grunts* — Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck. Some nights, I call it a draw. Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle. Some nights, I wish they’d just fall off. But I still wake up, I still see your ghost. Oh Lord, I’m still not sure what I stand for, oh-oh.

*grunt (unintentional)* — Someone just hit me with a throwing star 

I have mommy issues — *grunt*

—A. Hempel