Out in the wild, there are no rules. Anything goes, and there is no one to enforce the laws that keep us safe in our human society. Here are some of the most brutal, shocking crimes that animals in the wild commit against each other:


Murder — One of the main crimes committed in nature is murder. In fact, animals kill each other all the time, with almost no consequences for their actions. With little investment into investigative work, over 90% of animal murders remain unsolved, and murderers walk free when they should be in federal prison.


Public Indecency — If you ever catch a peek at an animal out in nature, you may have noticed that most of them wear no clothing at all. (Animal skin only counts as clothing when it hangs loose off the shoulders of a Russian princess.) Don’t they know that children could see that? It’s time to hide these animals away from innocent eyes, in federal prison.


Cannibalism — It’s a dog-eat-dog world, sometimes literally. Rather than just going to the nearest Burger King, creatures of the wild will literally feast on meat of their own kind just to survive. One example of this is sharks. They eat fish, despite being fish themselves. How fucked up is that? Cannibalism is one of the most disgusting crimes out there, and it’s pretty obvious where cannibals belong (federal prison).


Loitering — Ever seen an animal lingering in public for prolonged periods of time with no apparent reason? That’s called loitering, and while laws regarding loitering have been challenged and in some cases determined to be unconstitutional, anti-loitering laws are still in place in many locations. That means it’s time to crack down on these lawbreakers. After all, who would want to frequent a convenient store that a bunch of hoodlum badgers or vagrant pigeons had made their hangout spot? The only place that loitering animals should be able to “hang out” is federal prison.


War Crimes & Crimes Against Peace — Animals have also been known to commit war crimes. For example, ants have engaged in biological warfare, killed breeding ants and young, and launched surprise wars of aggression. It’s time for the animal kingdom to get its act together! Until then, we have no choice but to send any animal violating the peace to the Hague, and then to federal prison.


Trespassing — Have you ever noticed non-human pests in your home? Well, not only are they gross, they’re downright criminal. That’s your property, and they have no right to be there. This is an even bigger problem in the wild, where animals are more than happy to trespass on the private property of hardworking logging, mining, and farming corporations. We must kick these animals out of other peoples’ land and put them where they truly belong: federal prison.


Jaywalking — Many of God’s creatures are either too stupid or too irresponsible to properly follow “walk”/“don’t walk” signs. Next time a deer crosses the road at a location not marked by a Deer Crossing sign, make sure to do your civic duty and call the police. If, God forbid, a non-deer animal crosses at a Deer Crossing sign, just shoot on sight and toss the carcass in the nearest federal prison dumpster.


—B. Hollander-Bodie