A recent archaeological discovery this week seems to suggest that ancient populations in Greece both made and enjoyed pizza. While undertaking a massive dig outside the port city of Thessaloniki, archaeologists collected dirt samples that they later found to include ashes. 

Using infrared rays, Dr. Stephanos Oliveopolous was surprised to find that the ashes appeared to have been heated to temperatures of above 1000 degrees Fahrenheit. 

“Yep, these are ashes all right,” Oliveopolous said. 

The ashes in question lay in a peculiar circular shape on the ground, and a small piece of plastic that looked like a toppled-over miniature stool was found at their center.

Oliveopolous deduced the only logical explanation: a pizza.

However, Giancarlo Mozzarello, head chef of Pizzeria Napoletana in Hoboken, disagreed with the finding. 

“There’s no way that’s pizza. It can’t be. Where’s the cheese? Where’s the dough? Where’s the sauce? I don’t buy it.”

Fabiano Pastaroli, frequenter of the Piccolo Cesare Mom and Pop Restaurant in North Massapequa, also offered a comment: “Just doesn’t make sense. I’m eatin’ pizza now. I could barely find a pizza place in this town twenty years ago. No way those Greek cave people ate pizza too.”

Reporters explained to the critics that toppings would have decayed or been eaten by now.

“Well even if it was pizza, they clearly burned it,” remarked Joey Pepperoncini, server at Nonna’s Italian Kitchen in Brooklyn. “Nothing special compared to what you’d find in the greatest city on earth.”

Francesco Cannoli of Federal Hill, Providence, commented, “And what about that plastic stool? It’s supposed to be upright. And there’s supposed to be a cardboard box. Where’s the box?”

Infuriated and confused by the alleged discovery of pizza, Italian-language network Rai TV sent cameras to the archaeological site outside Thessaloniki. The footage offered a full picture of what was actually being uncovered: a small site in a nondescript backyard, and a dig only a few feet deep.

Mr. Oliveopolous has been arrested for fraudulent archaeological practice and stripped of his license. He will soon be extradited to Naples and given a Hawaiian pizza while awaiting sentencing.

—C. Thorpe