Chief archaeologist of the Yucatan dig site Tim Fitzpatrick has discovered an ancient Mayan text which should offer new insight into Mayan society.  He said in a press conference on Wednesday:

“My lovely assistant Sharon and I have some pretty exciting news to share with you all,” he said in a press conference on Wednesday. “We haven’t even looked at it ourselves, but I’ll read to you guys the report we received 15 minutes ago from the translators.”

Fitzpatrick fumbled with the envelope, opened it, and did a double take before reading it aloud to the press. 

“Well, I just can’t believe this. Apparently the Mayan prophets predicted that in the year 2021 someone named Tim would go on a date with someone named Sharon. Wait a second—Tim is my name! But who could this Sharon be…oh my heavens! My lovely assistant is named Sharon! I simply do not believe this. But obviously this is just some sort of crazy coincidence, unless, I mean, I’m not a religious man myself, but sometimes fate is fate. Whaddya say Sharon?” 

Sources say the entire audience turned towards Sharon, their eager faces desperate to witness the “happily ever after” story beginning before their very eyes. One reporter said Sharon had a classic “not this again” look on her face, and soon it became clear that she couldn’t ignore the situation by pretending to play Fruit Ninja.

“Tim, like I told you at the office Christmas party where you vomited after three twisted teas, I will never go out with you,” she said. “And obviously this text doesn’t translate to that. The real translation is ‘in the year 2021 someone named Bim will go on a date with someone named Sharon.’”

—A. Berke