Human beings, step aside: scientists have discovered a new species that loves to go out and have a few drinks with friends on a wild Friday night. But, lo and behold, the similarities don’t end there.
Gone are the days when humanity could be considered special for little things like “opposable thumbs” and “seeking meaning in our existence.” Turns out this new species does all of that shit, too!
Remember that time when Spotify got especially desperate for your subscription money and reassured you that you were creative and unique because you listened to music from the 1970s and the early 2000s? Well, this new species likes all of the same bands you do, and even a few that you haven’t heard of.
Some evolutionary biologists have even posited that they’re having more sex than you, that their breakouts are less noticeable, and that your ex laughs for just a beat longer at their jokes. But you shouldn’t take that to heart for a second. Personally, I think that you are super pretty and cool, and you have no reason to be jealous of this new species.
At the end of the day, you probably have a lot in common, and you might as well try to befriend one of them. Or, you could at least sit together in uncomfortable silence while you both swipe through Instagram stories.
This last hypothesis is still being rigorously tested, but reports are indicating that they may also enjoy getting super cozy under their blankets, eating tacos, and watching The Office on a lazy Saturday night!
—E. Goldblum
