1. Before logging in, choose a fun background! Any call is instantly more spunky when you’re swimming along the great barrier reef or floating in outer space.
  2. Gather some snacks—an apple, pretzels, Swedish Fish, you name it!
  3. Right when the class begins to feel boring, try to get curious about the things around you… like that Swedish Fish you’re about to eat!
  4. Take advantage of your access to the internet and read more about the origin of Swedish Fish, produced by the Swedish candy company Malaco. 
  5. While you’re there, do some more research about Sweden and gradually fall in love with its culture, government policy, and traditions.
  6. Log in to your Zoom call by phone and take a trip over to IKEA to try some Swedish meatballs—and hey, be sure to turn your camera off! And unless you’re taking Introduction to the Swedish Language, you better mute that mic too!
  7. While eating Swedish meatballs, scroll endlessly through images of the Swedish Chef from the Muppets and grow jealous and increasingly spiteful that you aren’t Swedish and can’t cook meatballs like him. 
  8. Max out your credit card on a life-size nude sculpture of our belovedSwedish Chef!
  9. Go back  home, place the statue in the middle of your common room, turn off all the lights, and teach yourself how to cook meatballs just like him. 
  10. Burn your passport and birth certificate to eliminate any record of your affiliation with the United States because that is not where the Swedish Chef was born.
  11. Buy a sharp knife and slowly replace all your skin with felt while whispering the Swedish national anthem to a framed photograph of the Swedish Chef, which will get soaked in your blood because you don’t know where your arteries are you silly goof!
  12. Buy a chef’s hat.
  13. Turn your camera back on and rejoin your Zoom call as the Swedish chef—a certified spicy addition to any group—and prepare for decades of unending euphoria in your life as a Muppet.

—K. King 

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