QUIZ: How Well Do You Know Your History?

You probably think you’re pretty smart. Well, how well do you know your history? Take this short quiz to find out!

In 1863, Abraham Lincoln delivered his Gettysburg Address, one of the most historically significant speeches in American history. Less well known but equally significant was his 1862 Schenectady Address, where he opined on this important subject:

The existential threat of climate change (very presciently for his time).

Playful self-deprecating humor about his height. e.g. “What’s a tall guy like me need a top hat for? It’s like, ‘Buddy! The soon-to-be-constructed Eiffel Tower called — it wants your number!’”

His abiding love of the theater.

Of the forty-five Presidents elected in our nation’s history, only three have been impeached, and none of these were actually convicted and removed from office. With this in mind, which U.S. president was the most bangable?

Millard Filmore

Which one of these historical figures did NOT die of auto-erotic asphyxiation?

John F. Kennedy

Millard Filmore

Sir Thomas Balloon, inventor of the balloon

What was so Epic about Gilgamesh?

His awesome catchphrase, “It’s a-me, a-Gilgamesh!”

His unparalleled ability to make newcomers feel comfortable in group settings, putting them at ease with real empathy, maybe in the form of a joke or a whispered aside, the kind of things that really say “You are special, you are valued, and you are welcome here.”

His giant fucking knees.

When was the horse invented?

Two years before the Toyota Sienna® rendered it obsolete with overwhelming comfort, style, and storage space.

Right after hoof-shaped wheels were invented.

1917 (This is what that movie was about.)

Napoleon conquered France, Hungary, Estonia, and much of Massachusetts, but sustained some pretty heavy injuries along the way. As of his death in 1969, how many toes did Napoleon have on his right foot?

A ~cool~ four.

None. It’s as smooth as Millard Filmore’s beautiful hairless torso.

Trick question; Napoleon was a dog and dogs don’t have feet.

Who won the BIG RACE?

Was it Travis? (No way!)

Was it Travis’ cheating brother Nigel? (Cheaters NEVER prosper!)

Or was it Old Man Fleischman? (He is wiry!)

Which of the following changes to Mauryan religious policy occurred under Chandragupta’s grandson, Emperor Ashoka?

The emergence of a syncretic Indo-Greek system of religious belief

The secularization of the Mauryan state

The promotion of Buddhist teachings through edicts by the ruler

Why aren’t Uncle Seth and Dad on speaking terms?

Dad didn’t support Uncle Seth enough in his 2020 presidential campaign for the Democratic nomination.

Dad and Seth have been playing the “No Talking Game” ever since a 1969 road trip when their Mom was on her LAST NERVE with the noise, and whoever talks first is out a nickel.

It’s a psychosexual game to them, which they justify by saying Seth was adopted, but it’s still pretty weird. I mean they grew up in the same house and everything.

Who won the 2020 election for president of the United States?

My friend Barron’s dad

Joe Biden (The 2020 Democratic Nominee for President of the United States)

You, the reader. Well isn’t that fun!

—Staff