The liberals are hiding cameras in our Elves on the Shelves so they can watch our kids take baths. I have been using Elf on the Shelf for the past 4 years to keep an eye on my boy while he washes at night. Sometimes he doesn’t clean himself very thoroughly and I find Cap’n Crunch residue on his backside, so I put a webcam in my little elf buddy on the shower rail to give my son the encouragement he needs to wash those hard-to-reach places. Now I don’t even have to inspect his freshly washed body because “the elf always knows.”

Now, however, I have reason to believe that the the loony lefties have been utilizing the same technology to turn Elves on the Shelves into secret lib-cameras. First, the liberals love to watch our children bathe. I first noticed this back in August when I took my boy and a few of his friends to Six Flags. As soon as my son took a fatty dump in the wave pool, a Clinton Foundation-funded “life guard” was right there with his hands all over the boy’s soft body to “rescue” him.

Second, the liberals love planting cameras in figurines. When I felt up the mechanical rat at Chuck-E-Cheese during my niece’s gender reveal party, “security” rounded me up and brought me into the Soros-funded police station, but not before I discovered a little liberal webcam peeking out of the rat’s shorts.

Third, the liberals love destroying the sanctity of Christmas. How do I know? Well, for the past five years I’ve been taking my boy to “Uncle Richie’s XXX-Mas Spectacular” over at the Pleasure Palace off I-44. This year, however, I pulled into the parking lot to find that they’ve renamed the event “Holiday Hoe-Down.” Uncle Richie would never forget the true reason for the season, so it must have been one of those damned satanic libs who forced him to take the Christ out of Christmas. If these liberals are willing to disrespect the Lord, what’s stopping them from abusing the sanctity of our Elves on the Shelves, figurines made in the Lord’s image?

So next time you set up your Elf on the Shelf to make sure your little man is bathing thoroughly, be careful. Chances are, you’re not be the only one watching.


—H. Rubin