This article originally appeared in the War on Christmas Issue.
NOBLESVILLE, IN—Community spirit is thriving this holiday season in Noblesville, Indiana, where Jewish and Christian residents have come together to create an incredible interfaith display: an effigy of the Son of God himself—festively nicknamed Jesus H. Chutzpah—crucified on a giant Hanukkah menorah.
“Stapling a yarmulke to everyone in the Nativity scene was over budget by a few staples,” Noblesville Mayor Christopher Silverstein explained, “and the mayor of Lewisburg already booked the guy who throws latkes at a virgin. So we decided to just go with a perennial family favorite: the Hanukrucifixion!”
Looking to promote a more family friendly holiday celebration after last year’s controversial public bris of a mall santa, members of both religions teamed up to ensure a successful multicultural display this year; and boy were they successful! “The Jews already had a big menorah,” reported chaplain Don Ervolino, “and us Christians had a conspicuously life-sized, graphically detailed replica of Christ’s crucified body. The rest is history! Well, not exactly history, but you get the idea.”
Jewish and Christian residents alike are thrilled with the display. “Before, I had to cover my kids’ eyes as we drove through town so that they wouldn’t see any cross iconography,” recounted Jewish mother Leila Chinn. “Now that Jesus Christ’s bloodied, near-naked figure hangs off our candelabra, my children feel safe, because I can now keep my hands on the wheel and also because I’m not drinking as much.”
As resident Keith Falk put it, “On the first night of Hanukkah, everyone was kind of confused. But by the fifth night, when there was enough light from the menorah, everyone was like ‘Yup, that’s definitely crucified Jesus.’ People were fucking psyched.”
Motivated by their striking success, Noblesville plans to ramp up the inclusivity for next year’s holiday season. The town has already patented a dreidel with sides depicting “The Father”, “The Son”, “The Holy Ghost”, and “Gimel”; and according to sources within Town Hall, inclusivity might even make an appearance this spring with a crossover Easter-Passover celebration. “We’re going to make the Easter Bunny eat unleavened bread,” said Mayor Silverstein. Uh, how do you say Mazel Tov in Christian?!
—C. Berg