This article originally appeared in the War on Christmas Issue.


TOPEKA, KS—Decrying it as a “sacrilegious and Satanic distortion of the Word of God,” evangelical Christian groups around the tri-state area called Tuesday for a boycott of Gwen Stefani’s cover of “Santa Baby,” which they claim has been playing on loop at the West Ridge Mall Hallmark since mid-November. Critics, most vocally Topeka Tea Party leader Mindy Gruss, claim the song “has no place in our churches, schools, public spaces, or even—no, especially—our greeting card chains,” calling for a universal reinstatement of the “divinely anointed” Eartha Kitt original.

Church officials have echoed Gruss’s sentiment. “As we all know, the Bible is the direct and unyielding word of God, written by His hand, and should never be altered,” said Reverend Joe Clark of United Life Ministry, an evangelical megachurch in Wichita. “And what are sexy Christmas carols but addendums to the Gospel of the Lord? To cover ‘Santa Baby’ is to presume one can speak for Jesus Christ Himself, which is a sin of the highest order.”

“In fact,” Clark continued, “Jesus told me last night in a dream that Gwen Stefani is going straight to hell, unlike United Life’s Platinum and Diamond-level sponsors. As for our Gold-level members, it’s frankly a toss up, so best to just go with the Platinum.”

At a recent protest of the Hallmark in question, Tea Party members and parishioners hoisted signs featuring slogans such as “‘Santa Baby’? More like Satan Baby!’” and “Make ‘Santa Baby’ Holy Again.” According to sources, the crowd reached a fever pitch as news spread that Gwen Stefani might not be a virgin.

At press time, both Gruss and Reverend Clark were “revisiting their positions” after receiving news that Eartha Kitt is black.


—M. Kreutter