Yoda: Three fingers on each hand means a less invasive probing than your traditional 5-digit examination.  Nasty fingernails though.

E.T.: I personally would rather die than get probed by this ugly little rat, but all you self-proclaimed “film buffs” would be at my throat if this list didn’t include America’s most beloved wrinkled scrotum.

Ben 10: Not sure if this is an alien (my parents never let me watch cartoons), but sounds close enough! We’ve got to get this thing to print!

Alien Farkas: He keeps telling everyone in class his name was supposed to be Allen but there was a mistake on his birth certificate. I think he’s full of shit, but his social clout is through the roof. If it takes a a probing to get him to be my friend, it would be completely worth it.

Alf: This lovable creature’s soft brown fur would feel nice in my rectum.

— H. Rubin