NEW HAVEN, CT — In a report issued Tuesday to the city of New Haven, Patagonia, Inc. has announced plans to complete their buyout of the Peabody Museum of Natural History and convert the original museum, located on historic Whitney Avenue, into a four-story Patagonia megastore.

“As a corporation, we strive to improve our image within our primary retail locations,” Patagonia CEO Rose Marcario told the Record. “What better way to do that than by moving right into one of the most beloved buildings in the area?”

When asked if the removal of the renowned 250-year-old institution would impact the city negatively, Marcario was dubious. “The Peabody still has old junk on display from decades ago, but here at Patagonia we unveil a new catalog every season,” she said.

“Besides, to process the raw materials used to make Patagonia apparel, we are probably burning the organic remains of dinosaurs that would have otherwise ended up in the Peabody. So it all, you know, evens out.”

The announcement has been met with some resistance. “Word on the street is Patagonia lacks the corporate capital to carry out a purchase of this magnitude without significant downsizing,” said Chad McGrath, BF ‘21. “Also they smell and are mean to puppies,” he continued while accepting a sack of coupons from a suspicious looking man in a North Face hoodie.

Still, Marcario ensures that the buyout will prove positive development for the community. In place of the Peabody’s education programs, interactive workshops providing education about the Patagonia manufacturing process will be offered to students in the New Haven area. “These workshops,” says Marcario, “will cover the Patagonia jacket’s ‘magical journey’ from the hands of Dickensian workhouse laborers to the torsos of people just like New Haven’s brightest young minds, or, in most cases, of people not like them at all.”

The HGS renovations are really just making it into a third Patagonia.

 

– D. Schifrin

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