Men at Yale are overwhelmingly underwhelming in bed. They are too selfish, too unbriefed on what women desire, and too lazy to even try to pleasure their partner. Every man at Yale is a copulating disgrace—except for me, that is.

I don’t know how I alone managed to avoid the epidemic of bad sex, but I did. I am Genghis Khan reincarnated in bed. I am a sex stallion. A consummating machine. My coitus is saturated with oomph. My partners check Yahoo Answers afterwards to see if sex can be too good.

You’re probably wondering how I am so sure that I am a sexual leviathan. It’s not because anyone has ever “told” me this. No, when you hump like this guy, feedback is unnecessary. In fact, it would be nothing short of masturbatory. But all the signs that point to proficiency in lovemaking are there, clear as day.

She pulls out her phone and texts her friends right after, not letting me see what she’s saying? Doubtlessly, she’s trying to keep me humble. She kicks me out and goes to sleep immediately? Obviously, she is so satisfied that she wants to dream of the last two minutes for hours. She declines all future requests to engage in carnal bump-arounds? Clearly, she was so sexually exhilarated by the first session that her libido is tragically numbed to desire—the timeless tale of Icarus, yet again, flying too close to the sun, which in this case is my grade-A fucking.

How do I do it? It’s all about being a responsive lover, and that means listening to what she wants. If she asks you to make her wet, go down on her! It’s not hard, boys: just keep going until she flinches, and voilà, mission accomplished. It’s your turn now! If she tells you to find the G-Spot, sensitively let her know that it’s a deli on Broadway that she should have heard of by this point.

Also, I make sure that she orgasms every time. Or maybe it’s that I orgasm every time. Trust me—when you fuck like I do, and orgasms are flying left and right, it can be hard to keep track. Bottom line is, someone is orgasming. Every. Single. Time.

Most importantly, make her comfortable. Tell a joke afterwards, or even better, perform your entire stand-up set.

All in all, it’s hard to believe that other Yale men haven’t learned these simple tricks to mind-blowing man sex. But then again, not everyone has the weeks of experience I do.

 

—S. Soros

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