Not too long ago, Stephanie was just like you: Fat, and of questionable value to society due to the inevitable loss of her natural beauty from age. Now, she’s only one of those things!
“I was heading back from the gym when a mysterious man appeared in front of me. He was very loud and wore a dark, billowing cloak, so I knew I could trust him,” she said.
“He gave me a roll of parchment with some instructions and that was all there was to it! I just had to pledge my soul to Oglonorp, Bringer of Silence, and the pounds just melted away!”
Even with these amazing results, there are still some who can’t appreciate the biggest medical breakthrough since exorcism. Father McKenzie, who is against miracles and the steady march of scientific progress, remains skeptical of Stephanie’s story. When asked for a comment, he simply replied, “Yeah, she totally just sold her soul to the devil. So we really can’t encourage that.”
Despite these criticisms, Stephanie remains positive that the trick will change the lives of her friends and family.
“The deal has been totally worth it. Sure, there are some nights when I hear the void whispering to me from the dark corners of my house, but my ass has never looked better!”
If you are unhappy with your body or just dabbling in witchcraft, go to virus.biz/notavirus for more info.
—C. Velez
