Drowning in dirty clothes? Can’t see the floor of your tiny dorm room anymore? Here’s a simple guide to doing your laundry without Mom!

  1. Observe that your laundry hamper is full of dirty clothes.
  2. Wait until your laundry hamper is so full that you resort to piling your dirty clothes on your desk in a mountain of sweaty cloth.
  3. Ponder the idea of going to the laundromat in the basement, like Aristotle pondering the golden mean. Stroke your imaginary beard, or your real beard if you have a beard. Then, do nothing like the lazy shit you are.
  4. Take note of the greenish-purple mold beginning to form at the corners of your laundry hamper and desk.
  5. Come home to a note from your roommate, John, that states, “Hey, man! Have you noticed that our room smells like the Porta Potties at Six Flags combined with the decomposing carcasses of road-kill? Haha, well I have, so get around to doing some laundry soon, or I might just burn all your fucking clothes in a ritual sacrifice to the Celtic gods, kind of like how they do it at the Burning Man festival—hey, we should totally go to that together this year! Love you man –John.” Throw out the note.
  6. Hide John’s body in the closet when he dies from inhaling the noxious fumes in your room.
  7. Get arrested for third-degree homicide.
  8. Explain to the jury that John was kind of a dick who thought he was the shit because he went to frat parties but was low-key just a racist.
  9. While you are in prison for killing John, scientists discover a new life form underneath the pile of hazardously disgusting clothes. Name the new species after yourself! You deserve it.
  10. Smile at the thought that you no longer have to worry about doing laundry for the next twelve years, since you’re in prison and no longer have access to your home or loved ones.

—C. Hahn