1. Be your own Valentine! Write yourself a nice card.
  2. Adorn your house with flowers.
  3. Adorn your bed with rose petals.
  4. Get a perm, give a perm. Mutual stuff like that.
  5. Send your crush a cute note, just to see what would happen.
  6. Take a luxurious bath to the tunes of Wham!
  7. Use conversation hearts to actually have conversation for once.
  8. Mix every flavor of Schweppes sparkling water to see what it tastes like.
  9. Stick tampons in your roof to try to stop the leaking.
  10. Spend many months writing a novel and then burn it as a symbol of life’s impermanence.
  11. Maybe just make some mashed potatoes from scratch.
  12. Accidentally make eye contact with yourself in the mirror. Look away playfully and twirl your hair.
  13. Chase a man down the street, just to see what would happen.
  14. Switch out your melon friends for vegetables, they didn’t mean anything to you anyway.
  15. Crash a date at a local restaurant, but be cool about it. Bring rosé.
  16. Experiment with different kinds of cocoa nibs.
  17. React poorly to a comment made by your married friend over the phone.
  18. Collect tears in mason jar to conserve during drought.
  19. Peruse your local Yankee Candle, maybe try a new scent! It’s okay to get a little adventurous, it’s Valentine’s Day after all.
  20. Prod your schnauzer’s butthole, just to see what would happen.
  21. Light your “Bakery Air” candle. It makes your room smell like a goddamn cookie.
  22. Use the wax from your candle to seal a secret letter. Shhhh.
  23. Knit yourself a cocoon; emerge in the spring.
  24. Become someone’s everything.
  25. Aerate your lawn using an awl and a little elbow grease.
  26. Just let the wind take you.
  27. Braid your hair into a woven blanket and revel in your oneness.
  28. Begin work on your terrarium. Splurge on a delightful selection of mosses.
  29. Finally learn to love yourself.

—L. Unsworth