1. Look for a tree with a large shadow-to-trunk ratio in order to maximize shade and minimize chances of sunburn in delicate areas
  2. Check for animal holes, beehives, or other signs of forest life with the potential to sting, bite, or clamp onto said delicate areas
  3. Tell it a knock-knock joke. If it laughs then it’s probably just a man in a clever tree disguise, and it should not be peed on
  4. Beware of the Lorax and other raging environmentalists nearby
  5. Make sure the tree in question is close enough to your group that you won’t get lost on the way back, but far enough that you’re not invading Ronald’s bubble, since you know he’s really into personal space
  6. Seek out trees that seem fun and approachable –you’re about to share an intimate moment

—R. Treisman