Buy a jean jacket

Get bangs

Practice looking forlornly out the windows of public
buses to look tragic yet unattainable, but the kind of
unattainable that still makes people want to make out
with you

Coin your own fun-and-flirty catchphrase. Something
like, “I am tragic yet unattainable. Want to make

Wash jean jacket several times to give it that classic “I’ve-
think-that-mom” look

Accidently bleach jean jacket, break down, scream, “I
am tragic yet unattainable!” at the moon in hysterical

Shave off your bangs as a sign of solidarity with your
once fun-and-flirty jean jacket

Realize your mistake and try to glue them back on with
industrial glue

Develop painful scalp hives

Realize you have an allergy to the epoxy resins
commonly used in industrial glue

Try to distract from your hives by looking tragic yet

Buy a replacement jean jacket

Let the sexy times of college roll in

—R. Lackner