Mom and Dad were very clear: College is the time to expand your horizons, to try new things, to stop worrying if Buzz and Woody will make it back home in time for the big move. So you’re not really a college student until you’ve done the pot, or the marijuana as it’s known to street youths. If you’ve never done the pot before, there’s no need to worry. Everything you need to know is right here.

For starters, never refer to the pot by its real name. Instead, stick to secret code words like the devil’s lettuce, George W. Kush, or Oscar the Grouch. You will sound way cooler and earn the respect of your peers if you use these nicknames or come up with your own. Trust me. I eat the pot for breakfast.

In addition to its many names, silly broccoli (are you catching on?) also comes in many forms. One of the most common is a joint. Many first-timers assume you’re supposed to do it the normal way, but to avoid looking like a beginner, stick it directly into your nostril to let the Doprah Winfrey reach your brain faster. There are also bongs, which you will notice have water in the bot- tom. When it is your turn to hit it, drink the water in one mouthful. In addition to getting totally weed-wasted, you

will also stay hydrated, an added bonus of spending time with Mary Jane. You might also come across edibles in your time here, which you just crumble into tiny pieces and smoke from a pipe. It’s always a nice gesture to bake pot brownies for your professors on the first day of class!

If you’re having trouble finding the Tocahontas, don’t be shy. Your FroCos are a great resource, as is Chief Ron- nell Higgins. It will also be easier to find the Mapotma Ganji if you make your stoner-status known. I recommend drawing weed leaves on your binders and buying several Bob Marley posters to wear as low-key capes.

With all this in mind, go forth, my little Cheeches and Chongs. Make Handsome Dank proud.

* The Record does not endorse the use of marijuana, which is illegal in the state of Connecticut. We do, how- ever, endorse the use of dank-ass kush.

-L. Cone