August 10, 1973
The little Wayne boy fell into well this week and couldn’t pull himself out…what a bitch.

February 2, 1998
It is a dark and stormy night, and Master Wayne has returned from his journey through Asia a changed man. He lead me deep within tunnels beneath Wayne Manor and revealed his plans to become a masked vigilante—complete with costume and cape—who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp on the streets of Gotham. He then asked if I would dutifully serve as his accomplice and sage-like mentor. Even though I was hired to be a regular butler, I was weirdly okay with it.

August 9, 2001
Master Wayne stumbled back to the Batcave barely conscious after an encounter with Catwoman—outdone once again by her agile fighting style and prominent cleavage. He winced as I tended to his wounds and sought wisdom on how best to defeat this new adversary. I told him that he must push himself to his limits, and perhaps beyond them…

August 12, 2001
Just found out that Michael Caine is playing me in the new Dreamworks movie. WIN.

January 21, 2003
Police are at the front door of Wayne Manor. It seems that Master Wayne indulged a little too deeply at the charity gala last night and drop-kicked a heavy-set gentleman that he believed to be The Penguin… We will both need to tread very carefully in the weeks to come.

June 30, 2004
Master Wayne is away in Hong Kong on important business. After dinner, I snuck into his private armory and pretended that I was a crime-fighting super butler. Professor Worthington, the Wayne family cat, played the role of sidekick at my behest.

November 12, 2006
At three o’clock in the morning, I was awakened by strange sounds coming from the master bedroom. Fearing that Master Wayne was in danger, I quickly grabbed a golf club from the garden and broke down the bedroom door. Inside, I found him handcuffed to the bedpost, with the villainess Poison Ivy gently caressing his backside with a palm frond. The two were completely naked save for Batman’s crime-fighting cape and some strategically placed Ginger Lilies. I retired to the servants’ quarters immediately.

November 13, 2006
At breakfast the following morning, the mood was tense. I can only hope that Batgirl doesn’t find out about this. Or Harvey Dent’s brother-in-law, though I guess that was a one time thing.

April 4, 2008
Master Wayne is still unable to defeat the Joker. Morgan Freeman and I designed a super computer that will let him access the Google search history of every resident in Gotham. He was deeply conflicted about the ethics of such a device…Yet he has no apparent concern for beating the shit out of unarmed detainees in police interrogation rooms.

September 9, 2010
Batman was dissatisfied with today’s breakfast. It was the toast that he deserves, but not the one he needs right now. I will do better tomorrow.

–N. Goel