Genetically modify it to taste like butter

Outsource its production to China

Stuff a whole cow inside it

Call it “pasteurized processed fortified food product” instead of “food”

Call it “Russet Potato Mousselin Infused with Organic Rhode Island Red Egg, Shaved Celery and Ground Mustard” instead of “potato salad”

Pressurize it and put it inside a recycled hand grenade for easy consumption

Mold it into the shape of Kim Kardashian’s butt

Use it to turn Central American immigrants into wage slaves

Put a cartoon character on it

Label it as “organic gluten-free paleo low-carb fat-free low-calorie free-range”

Just turn it into bacon

—N. Warren