2027-2037: This is when your future child will have

braces and cystic acne. He will also beg you to let

him take ballet classes, which you will forbid because

you are an Irish-dancing family, goddammit. He will

never forgive you.

The 1JTT’s [pronounced JayteenTT’s]: It seems

like just yesterday that America’s darling, Jonathan

Taylor Thomas, became an unforgiving authoritarian

leader whose oppressive regime brought our proud

country into a dark age of Home Improvement

reruns and middle parts.

Those Ten Years That Brad Spent Trapped in a

Chick-Fil-A Parking Lot: Have you met Brad

yet? No? Well, he spent ten years trapped in a

Chick-Fil-A parking lot.

The Blorftian Years: Only 90’s kids will remember

these ten spunky years between the 1980’s and the

1990’s! Bring out your floof hats and your gumpy

boots cuz it’s time for a TBT.

The Bear Era: You and everyone you know was

turned into bears. No one remembers, which is why

you’ve never heard of it.

—R. Lackner