-Those Dead Sea otters were actually plotting to blow up
the Pentagon
-Great way to demonstrate the “oil and water don’t mix”
concept to kindergarteners
-Bored housewives get to watch footage of cute birds
being bathed to remove the oil
-Gives Aquaman something to do, for once
-Probably looks pretty sweet from space
-Job security for that one guy in documentaries who talks
about disasters in a dramatic, yet disappointed tone
-Inspires millions of American kids, showing them that
one person can make a horrible, horrible difference
-For every dead fish, millions of naphthalene-metabolizing
bacteria will get a chance at life
-Provides a charity opportunity so that Bono stays
-Makes the CEO of Exxon Mobil feel something, if only
for a brief second, in the blackened husk that was
once his beating heart

—I. Gonzalez