1. A park in San Antonio. Really? San Antonio?
  2. Captivity shortens animals’ lives
  3. Funnel cake shortens park-goers’ lives
  4. Cetacean employees have better health care plans than human employees
  5. The murderous orca is nicknamed “Tilly”
  6. No Hall of Presidents
  7. Promotes conservation while air conditioning polar bear habitats all year round
  8. Promotes conservation while air conditioning tourist habitats all year round
  9. Enough rides to make it seem from the outside like it’s a real amusement park
  10. Employees’ whale costumes are unflattering Dolphins forced to file own tax returns Eight fucking dollars for popcorn

—S. Savitz