1. What’s your favourite season?
- Spring
- Summer
- Autumn
- Winter
2. How many plants do you own?
- None
- 1-4
- 3-7
- 10+
3 Have you ever stared into a creature’s eyes as its life leaves its body, and lived with the crushing, gut-wrenching weight of another being’s soul on your conscience for years to come?
- Yes
- No
- I was a minor and my records are sealed
- A lady never tells!
4 How confident are you in your knowledge base of which fruits, nuts, leaves, and roots are safe to eat, have medicinal properties, and/or ward away pests and dangerous predators?
- Not Confident
- Somewhat Confident
- Fairly Confident
- Very Confident
5 Which herbaceous remedy would you most enjoy?
- A minty brew
- A zesty lemon salve
- The blood of an animal you killed with stone tools
- A sweet but peppery syrup
6 Have you ever died from accidentally foraging Rubus chamaemorus, foolishly mistaking it for the common raspberry?
- Yes
- Yes, but I ate it on purpose
- No
- Rubus? I hardly know us!
7 What’s your ideal vacation?
- A lazy weekend by the beach
- A log cabin in the woods
- Hunting and killing animals
- Staycation
8 Have you ever had gay thoughts?
- Yes
- No
9 If you answered B to Question 8, are you sure?
- No
10 Scenario: You’re lost in the woods and need to find food. Do you:
- Hunt
- Gather
Mostly E’s: You’re a hunter! You’re a natural leader, love the thrill of a fight, and aren’t afraid to get your hands dirty. You’re a master at taking down big game, but do you ever stop and wonder if this is all just a way to perform masculinity to finally earn the approval that your father never gave you as a child? Happy hunting!
Mostly F’s: You’re a gatherer! You’re social, work well in groups, and know your way around the old meadow. Your tribe taught you to distinguish a giant hogweed from a wild carrot with your eyes closed, but did anyone ever teach you how to not be such a spineless little wimp? Keep picking those berries!
—D. Alberts
